Tag Archives: political humor

The Ol’ Dead Truth Bit — With Apologies to Monty Python

kellyanne and chuck

The Once Free Press: Excuse me sir, uh madam, I’m here to ask about the statement the Press Secretary made about the crowd size at the inauguration….

KellyAnne Conway: Ah yes! The one and half million people who showed up for our Great Leader, the largest crowd ever. It was …

The Once Free Press: 250,000 according to the Parks Department Estimate.

KellyAnne: No, it wasn’t. It was one and half-million.

The Once Free Press: Look, I brought a photograph of the mall. You can see the empty white space …

trump inaug crowd

KellyAnne:  Empty white space? I don’t see it.

The Once Free Press (astonished, points to something in the photo) What is this then? An army of the Ku Klux Klanners photographed from on high? A circus of albino elephants symbolizing the Republican party?

Kelly Anne: It’s a trick of the light.

The Once Free Press (incredulous): A trick of the light?

KellyAnne (examining the photo): See, over here. You can make out the people. It was the snow made them seem invisible, that’s all.

The Once Free Press: The snow? There wasn’t any snow.

KellyAnne: Please don’t start on global warming again! That’s been repealed and replaced on all official pages by ‘over-regulation of the vital energy industry.’

The Once Free Press: I’m not talking about global warming. The question was why on earth would Sean Spicer tell an obvious falsehood about the crowd size at his very first press conference?

KellyAnne: It wasn’t a lie.

The Once Free Press: Look, Ms Conway, I know a lie when I see one. That wasn’t a million and half people. That was…..

KellyAnne (waxing poetic): The Trump Inauguration – beautiful transition of power. Lovely ceremony!

The Once Free Press: The loveliness of the ceremony don’t enter into it! The crowd was not present. Take a look at the bleachers. There’s enough empty space to shelter all the refugees from Aleppo …

KellyAnne: Aleppo? Which happened on Obama’s watch …

Once Free Press: Fair enough, but what about the people who aren’t there?

KellyAnne: Parts of the mall were covered over so no one could stand there.

The Once Free Press: But people are standing on the covering. There just aren’t a lot of them, or on the grass either.

KellyAnne: (looking at the photo again) They were just taking a bathroom break when the photo was taken.

The Once Free Press: A what? Are you suggesting that a million and a quarter people just happened to be taking a piss simultaneously?

KellyAnne: They’re regular folks. They drink a lot of beer, our supporters do.

The Once Free Press: On a Friday morning?

KellyAnne: They were celebrating!

The Once Free Press (exasperated): They weren’t celebrating. I’m telling you they were non-existent, imaginary, a fairy tale. It was unreality television. A proven falsehood, a big fib, a fraud, a fake, a fabrication, a visit to Fantasy Island, a …

KellyAnne (grabbing the photo and marking it up): You’re mistaken. See there’s no white space. Look at all those figures. It’s filled up to the brim! From the White House all the way to the Washington Monument …

The Once Free Press: That was you. You just took a pen and filled it all in.

KellyAnne: No I didn’t.

The Once Free Press: Yes, you did. We’ve got the whole thing on tape.

KellyAnne: I don’t think so.

The Once Free Press: Could you please answer my question?

KellyAnne: I already did.

The Once Free Press: No you didn’t.

KellyAnne: Did too!

The Once Free Press: Once more – Ms Conway why would Sean Spicer attack the media for false reporting about the size of the crowd while he lied about the size of the crowd?

KellyAnne: He wasn’t lying.

The Once Free Press: What would you call it then?

KellyAnne: It was an alternative fact.

The Once Free Press: An alternative fact is a lie.

KellyAnne: Well, that’s a matter of opinion isn’t it? Who can really tell with numbers? You know what numbers I care about? The number of women in poverty at the end of Barack Obama’s presidency …

The Once Free Press: But that has nothing to do with my question. I’m asking you why would …

KellyAnne: You’re a very disagreeable person. Did anyone ever tell you that?

The Once Free Press: That’s not even, look, if from day one, you are going to lie about every little thing then what is the point of any of this? How can we even cover the White House?

KellyAnne: Don’t be so overly dramatic! If you’re going to be so negative, I’m really going to have to rethink our relationship.

President Trump: Kelly Anne, let me take over from here.

KellyAnne: Yes, Mr. President.

President Trump (to The Once Free Press): You’re fired.

The Once Free Press: Mr. President. I don’t work for you. You can’t fire me.

President Trump: When you’re President you can do anything.

The Once Free Press: But what about the Constitution? The first amendment!

KellyAnne: From now on we’ll be using an alternative version!

(Marion Stein writes television recaps and reviews for The Agony Booth, and books you can find over at Amazon. There’s no donate button on this blog, but you can thank her by buying a cheap ebook, and then raving about it to your friends.)

Investors Wanted — Protect Your Lady Parts with the Smart Belt for Women

iron_chastity_belt_europe_wellcome_l0058586With the election of the Pussy-Grabber in Chief as President and the empowerment of his alt-right gamergate bros  no vagina is safe.  This isn’t your mama’s rape culture. It’s open season on women. The modern gal can expect her subway ride to be a grabfest, and don’t look for protection in the work place, you whiny bitch! Ha-ha-ha! It’s so cute when you get red-faced and indignant. Take is as a compliment! Get another job why don’t ya? Besides it’s all in good fun, right? It’s not like you own your vagina.

But ladies, don’t lose hope! A solution is at hand. I’m looking for investors to help bring back the chastity belt. Not the old-timey oppressive kind where men held the key, but a new belt for a new time that you can proudly wear over or under your clothes, a belt that puts you in charge. A Smart Belt (Trademark). No more messy urine holes! You simply slip the thing off to pee, or when it’s time to talk to your boss about a promotion.

The prototype is still being developed, but since the point is to keep grubby stubby fingers from entering the inner sanctum — or even making direct contact with it, we are probably looking for a strong, but light-weight, rust-proof rigid metal. (I hear you can that kind of thing cheap from China.)  Something that can be welded into a shape that won’t interfere with walking, running, yoga, Pilates or other daily activities.

Money is needed for development. We could use some design ideas for belts that can be worn during the day or in the evening. Belts that make a statement!  Belts that tease and belts that just say no. Designer belts and knock-offs.

Does anyone have a line to Ivanka? Something tells me she’d be interested.

(Please say thank you for the blogs by visiting the Amazon where you can find my cheap books.)

Justice Scalia Sees Voting Rights Act as “Racial Entitlement”

New York Times, February 27, 2013

Voting Rights Law Draws Skepticism From Justices By Adam Liptak
WASHINGTON — A central provision of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 may be in peril, judging from tough questioning on Wednesday from the Supreme Court’s more conservative members.
If the court overturns the provision, nine states, mostly in the South, would become free to change voting procedures without first getting permission from federal officials…
…Justice Antonin Scalia said the law, once a civil rights landmark, now amounted to a “perpetuation of racial entitlement.”

(with apologies to Calvin Trillin and Dorothy Parker)

If MLK were still in the fight,
no doubt he’d know it isn’t right,
to give the blahs advantage.

He’d proudly see it just and true,
to back Scalia and his crew.
For they like him believe
in equal rights for ALL.

Unlike those nasty Democrats,
they’re crazier than rabid bats!
Every one a panderer,
and also, too, you know it’s true,
we’ve ALWAYS been at war with Oceania.

Where’s My Free Stuff?

Barack Obama                                                                                                11/6/2012

To Marion Stein

Marion —

I’m about to go speak to the crowd here in Chicago, but I wanted to thank you first.

I want you to know that this wasn’t fate, and it wasn’t an accident. You made this happen.

You organized yourselves block by block. You took ownership of this campaign five and ten dollars at a time. And when it wasn’t easy, you pressed forward.

I will spend the rest of my presidency honoring your support, and doing what I can to finish what we started.

But I want you to take real pride, as I do, in how we got the chance in the first place.

Today is the clearest proof yet that, against the odds, ordinary Americans can overcome powerful interests.

There’s a lot more work to do.

But for right now: Thank you.


Marion Stein                                                                                                11/07/2012

To: Barack Obama

Barack —

Hey congratulations.

Thanks back at you. Putting my life on hold the past couple of months and spending my time knocking on doors in Reading PA for the campaign was my pleasure, really.  Besides, not like I have an actual job waiting for me back home.

Have you been to Reading, by the way? Lots of old houses with rickety steps, and the sidewalks are kind of a mess, but the doctor says it’s just a sprain, so no worries.

I’m sorry we never got together for any of those dinner things. I kept clicking the button, but I never received the actual invitation, not even for coffee with Joe.

Anyway, please say hello to Michelle. Maybe we can all do lunch sometime when you’re in New York?


Marion Stein                                                                                                11/15/2012

To: Barack Obama

Hey Barack,

Sorry I missed that conference call for your “strongest supporters.” I did get the e-mail from Jeremy, but there was a little problem with my cell, one of those crazy credit card mix-ups. I’ll send you the new number as soon as I get a one.

How’s Michelle? Haven’t heard from her lately.  And the girls?  I guess you’re swamped, not like before the election when sometimes you’d write twice the same day!

Speaking of which, there’s been some settling-in post-campaign adjustment here at home.  (I’m sure you can relate.) But Craig and I are getting back to our old routine.  We’re seeing the marriage counselor this afternoon. Thank goodness for his insurance plan and the affordable care act!


Marion Stein                                                                                                12/24/2012

To: Barack Obama

Hey Barack,

Merry Christmas!  Did you get my card?

Craig’s bigshot cousin sent us pictures live on twitter from the White House Holiday Party.  I guess our invitation got lost with all the holiday junk mail. No worries! I heard from Michelle about joining millions of other Americans for activities on Inauguration Day, also something about a victory fund. Problem is those weeks I spent going door-to-door for you in Reading, not as much of a resume builder as you would think!  I’d love to help, and I hate to disappoint because I know how much you depend on me and all, but things are just a little tight right now.

I’m keeping up my spirits. I just put out a new novella on  Kindle, Schrodinger’s Telephone.  It’s available exclusively on Amazon for 99 cents. I figure if I could sell a hundred copies this month, it would be enough for the co-pay and I could see a doctor about that rash and the limp I’ve had since Reading. Like your friend Jim Messina always says, every dollar counts, right?

That reminds me, seeing as how I’ve been such a great supporter and all, would you mind liking my book on Amazon?  There’s also a  Facebook page.  It would just take a few seconds, and it would really help me out!

About that fiscal cliff message Jim sent out, my representative is Charlie Rangel, so I think you got that one locked up. Besides, no point in giving him a call, his hearing is going.  Guy’s like 90 or something.  Anyhow, I don’t think he’s been the same since that censure vote.

All the best,


Marion Stein                                                                                                1/9/2013

To: Barack Obama, Michelle Obama

Hey Barack and Michelle,

Happy Belated New Year!

How’s it going?  Congratulations on the fiscal cliff aversion.  I don’t feel you sold out despite what anyone on the West Harlem Obama for America Dashboard has to say. Next stop automatic weapons ban, amirite?  Regarding the day of service commitment Michelle emailed about, funny thing happened.  Last week, I had an actual job interview!  First one in months.  I get to the subway station and realized I left my wallet home.  I didn’t want to be late, so I decided to jump the turnstile.  Long story short, I never made it to the interview, but I already have community service covered on MLK Jr day!

Hey Bar, did you get a chance to like my book page yet?  Also, nothing says thank you for your support like a four or five star review on Amazon, and Mich this one is family friendly.  Just put it on your Amazon wish list where your friends can see.  I’m running a little contest, and I’ll be giving free copies to the first ten people to do that; plus there’s a drawing for coffee with the author.

Best to you and the girls and good luck on January 21st!

By the way, we’re trying to put away some debt.  Could you please help by clicking one of the options below?

QUICK DONATE: $141 // $35 // $50 // $100 // $250 // Or donate another amount.


Super-Rich to Middle Class — No More Free Ride You Lazy Bums

Today’s guest blog post has been submitted by a “friend” writing under the nom de plume, Mr. Richie Moneybags Rich:

Once upon a time, back in the 1920’s, there was a lot of new stuff, telephones, movies. A small group of people Everyone was getting cars.  Good times.  Then the stock-market crashed.  Party over for widows, orphans, unemployed all those bums who hadn’t sufficiently diversified their portfolios or got swindled carried away buying on margin.  There are always winners and losers, and generally people get what they inherit deserve.

Then that brash, traitor, FDR got elected and declared class-warfare started the New Deal.  Suddenly it was freebies for everyone!  Even the elderly, people who hadn’t worked in years, could get in social security.  Immigrants?  Give us your poor,except not too many Jews etc.

To be fair, if he’d done nothing, the commies might have stepped in, but surely the Pinkertons could have dealt with that!   Did he have to take things that far?   Granted, roads needed to be built, and dams needed to be constructed, but couldn’t he just have handed out nice big juicy contracts to my grandfather’s company negotiated with the private sector?  We all know how much more efficient private industry is when it comes to building things and it was, after all,  the slaves job-creators who built this country.

Truman tried to continue down the road to creating a stable middle-class socialism with his crazy health-care schemes, but fortunately, Congress could be bought off see his plan could have been designed by the Rosenbergs themselves..  Then that damn LBJ came in and got that garbage Medicare signed, and gave us the Great Society.  What’s so great about paying someone else’s bills?

The rich have gotten fed up with all those give aways.  Like  Alan Simpson said, social security is “a milk cow with 310 million tits.”  Who needs it?  Not people making millions every year off their investments and paying less than 1% 14% in taxes, that’s for sure.  Ditto public education.  I mean really, what kind of concerned parent would send his child to a public school in the first place?  Why should I pay for someone else’s child to get a sub-standard education?  Besides, do you know what they teach in those places? It’s all science evolution and global warming, not to mention their stand on the War of Northern Aggression. Plus, that means I’m paying the salary for some strangers’ kids’ teachers, and we all know how high on the hog those lazy-asses live.  If you’re going to resent somebody, it’s those gosh darn teachers, police, and firefighters municipal workers  that you should look to. And don’t even get me started on Pell grants and low interest student loans.  Sheesh, get a job!

And that’s not all.   Even public transportation is supported through taxes!  Public transportation!  As though I’d be caught dead on bus.  Amirite?  Bastards even get “special” lanes.

And of course there’s Romneycare the Affordable Care Act Obamacare!  Naturally, people are outraged to be paying for equitable healthcare for women some slut’s contraception, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Do you have any idea how much it costs when sick people with no insurance just “show up” in an emergency room?  How could someone be so irresponsible to choose feeding your child and paying rent over preventive care not to plan for emergencies?  Really, there should be a law! Why not just allow people inadequate vouchers  to benefit companies I have stock in or pay out of pocket sell their homes?  Some total loon nice lady politician out West had a plan for bartering for healthcare and just got derided for it by every news outlet except Fox the lamestream media.  And if they can’t possibly refuse to pay for medical care, why treat them at all? If they’d rather die let them do it and decrease the surplus population.  I mean it’s not like you can just walk into a supermarket, say “I’m hungry” and get a bunch of free food unless of course you’re on food stamps, IMHO.

To top it off, these “middle income” slackers get tax breaks!  Mortgage deductions.  What’s that about?  Sure if they lose it, so do I, but I’m willing to find other shelters make the sacrifice.  Deductions for college savings.  Since when did college become something minorities, women, the poor, not our kind of people everyone should have the opportunity is forced to go to?  What kind of elitist b.s is that?  It’s not like you can’t get a minimum wage or lower off-the-books job without a degree.

Plus there’s even a deduction for state taxes.  Why should you get a tax break because you live in a state where you can still find a job with union protection that offers better schools and services?  That’s your choice, not mine, buddy.

You can see how all this is patently unfair to those of us who inherited worked hard  to get our money.  As a job creator in Thailand and China who has saved for a rainy day in the Cayman Islands, I deeply resent paying for programs I personally don’t need and will never use.

I mean, it’s not like I get to deduct for my recreational activities like that horse I took to the Olympics.

What makes it worse is all this petty emphasis on “percentages.”  They don’t tell you what it really means.  Here’s what it comes down to —  if you are supporting a family and I can’t imagine how on a taxable income of $50,000 a year, you’re going to pay about $7,274 in federal income tax.  That’s 14.5% of your income, not counting what they take out of your paycheck for social security.  And what do you get for it?  All those goodies I mentioned earlier.  But I don’t need any of that.  You, the middle class, are in effect taking money out of my pocket to get services I’ll never use.  What if you won 100 million dollars in the lottery tomorrow?  Is that what it would take for you to have a little bit of empathy?

Meantime, do you have any idea of what I pay to support your “lifestyle”? No, and I pay people good money to keep it that way.  Let’s say, I’m paying the same percentage as you, .085% 14.5% on a taxable  income of a modest  50 7 million a year.  I’d be paying over a million dollars in taxes if I paid taxes. Can you even imagine what a million dollars looks like? Believe me, it’s very pretty, and in the right denominations can be packed in a carry-on bag if heaven forbid you ever fly commercial. I’m already paying 140 times as much as you are.  140 times!  I mean what’s “progressive” about a system where one person pays 140 times what someone else pays?

Sure, some people might argue that a strong middle class creates a stronger market like what happened in America after World War II or all that growth during the Clinton years, and that America is falling behind because we don’t have a first rate educational system and they’d be right, but those are the type of  Democrats and anyone even slightly left of Ronald Reagan latte-drinking elitists  that forget that America isn’t exceptional because of our entitlements, but rather America  is exceptional because we have  a very high rate of income inequality compared to other developed countries our Constitution.