Trump Shoots Elmo in Times Square: One Dead, Several Wounded

At a rally this evening in New York’s Times Square, Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump shot and killed Elmo impersonator David Sayville in front of a crowd of several thousand people. Six others were wounded in the incident, including a six year old child who was standing next to “Elmo” at the time, and a secret service agent who attempted to disarm Mr. Trump. The incident occurred shortly after Mr. Trump groped and squeezed the breasts of Lily Lopez, a topless “entertainer” whose chest had been painted red, white, and blue with the familiar stars and stripes.

“I love the flag. What can I say?” joked Mr. Trump, minutes before the shooting. “We have the best flag, don’t we?”

Sayville, reportedly a friend of Lopez’s, became enraged and started shouting obscenities at the candidate. Mr. Trump implored the crowd to “Take care of this guy,” but when no one obliged, he pulled out a Glock handgun and began firing. A total of fifteen rounds were fired. Of the injured, two were treated and released. The condition of the other four is unknown at this time.

After the incident, Trump yelled to the crowd, many of whom were running away, “Folks, this is what happens when we have no law and no order. Sometimes we have to take the law into our own hands.”

Campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told Fox News, “It’s typical of the mainstream media to blow this out of proportion. The real thing voters are concerned about is jobs, jobs, jobs.  Also Hillary Clinton wants to take away the second amendment.”

Neither Trump’s running mate, Governor Mike Pence, nor Republican party Chair, Reince Priebus have been available for comment. When asked if he still supported his party’s nominee, Senator John McCain yelled at reporters to “Get off my lawn.” House Speaker Paul Ryan issued a statement saying he was, “Disgusted and saddened by this event,” but is not yet ready to pull his endorsement.

(If you enjoyed this post, please say thanks by checking out my books at the Amazon.)