Warning: If you still haven’t seen the Dexter Season 6  finale, go hide someplace because spoilers are all over.

(Update:  This posts still gets regular visits, especially from outside the US where Dexter Season 7 may not have started. So to clarify for those for whom English is not a first language — this was written in December 2011 and is a parody NOT a review of the Season 7 premiere, any resemblance between the real  Season 7 premiere and this parody is purely coincidental.

For those of us who are watching the show, now that Season 7 is nearly done, what do you of my proposals?  There is a blonde in Dexter’s life, not Lumen, but also a killer.  LaGuerta is making a connection going back to the Ice Truck Killer.  Deb is still dealing with unresolved feelings toward Dex. Dex did figure out Louis’ role — although the series really copped out, making him out to be simple asshole and not a brilliant deductive sociopath.

I’m opening up comments again on this one, so have at it.)

What a disappointing mess, season 6 was.  They started off with a serial killer whose nickname was lifted from Thomas Harris novel, and if that wasn’t derivative enough, they moved from there to a plodding religiously-maniacal duo, whose big secret was obvious by the third episode to everyone who had ever seen The Sixth Sense, or Psycho or a dozen or so other movies.  They turned poor Quinn, into the most incompetent cop in Miami.  Remember when he was “the fucking witness whisperer,” or the only one since Doakes to see through Dexter’s facade? He might have been a little dirty, but he wasn’t stupid.

But those weren’t the worst offenses. They transformed our “neat monster” into a sloppy one, and managed to insult the intelligence of their viewers by ruining the once witty voiceovers that used to give us a glimpse into Dexter’s singular point of view.  Dahmerland, anybody? What we got in Season 6 were instant recaps for viewers who may have gotten up for a beer, or to channel surf because the pace was so slow.

And as for what they did to poor, Deb, I can only say oy vey.  Instead of picking up where Season 5 left off, with the hint that even if Deb didn’t go “behind the curtain” she was at least harboring a suspicion,  season 6 started with Deb as oblivious as ever.  And while Quinn, once upon a time, had had a photo of Dex and Lumen throwing black plastic bags off the Slice of Life, that too was never mentioned.

Instead Deb and Quinn break up. Quinn goes into an alcohol fueled bimbo-binge and Deb goes to therapy.  Therapy had possibilities.  Deb might have begun to put the pieces together, dreaming about the conversation between the ITK and Dexter that happened when she was asleep on the table, and suddenly all the clues could have crashed into her consciousness and that “Oh my God!” we heard in the season previews would have made sense.  Instead the world’s worst therapist helps her come to the realization that she is (gasp) in love with her (adopted) brother.  While the best Dexter parodies had long ago glommed onto the uncomfortable closeness of the two, it worked much better as an implied piece of Deb’s baggage.  Now, it’s just something that will have to be dealt with and can’t end well.   If we are now supposed to believe that Deb’s rationale for not turning in her brother will be that she is now too besotted by him, I will kill my television.  They’ve already worked hard enough at getting her to accept life’s gray areas, and besides adopted or biological, ick. They were raised together, in Deb’s case since birth.  It’s still Jerry Springer territory.

So the question is, assuming they fire the writers and/or pay anything to get Melissa Rosenberg back, how can they dig their way out of this mess?  Starting the season off with Quinn taking a shower and waking up a sleeping Deb in their apartment, and then having her tell him about this crazy dream she had, is one possibility, but not a good one.  Which brings me to my idea for Season 7, Episode 1 — Can o’ Worms.

No, hastily written screenplay, just a few ideas, but if Michael C. Hall or any of the rest of the team want to get in touch with me . . .

Scene I –Deb barges into an in progress therapy session to tell Dr F-wad that she is fired (because in Miami Metro lieutenants can do that) and then goes on to rant about implanting ideas into people’s heads and being a “fucking lame-brained idiot.”

The nervous patrol officer patient (Gretchen Moll sporting her Life 0n Mars blonde wig) interrupts, “Wait a second, are you telling me I don’t want to fuck my son?”

In the hallway, LaGuerta stops Deb.
LaGuerta: Congratulations again, Lt. Morgan on closing the Doomsday case.
Deb: Thanks.
LaGuerta: It was pretty lucky that Travis decided to commit suicide in the church. Reminds me of the Ice-Truck-Killer.
Deb: Huh?
LaGuerta: He also killed himself when it looked like we were closing in.
Deb: Yeah, sometimes things work out.
LaGuerta; You seem more focused, Debra. I’m glad you took our heart to heart seriously. It’s all about Miami Metro.  What’s good for the job….
Deb: (Phone rings. She answers) Yeah, I’ll be right there. Call my brother. (To LaGuerta,) Got to go.

Crime scene — there’s a homicide somehow involving a can of worms, and Miami Metro is doing their usual stellar job with that.

Fade out.  The words: “Ten Days Ago” appear on the screen. Then there’s a flashback of Deb running from the scene that ended Season 6.   Dex runs after her.  Misses.  Goes back and stages Travis’ death to look like a suicide. Voice Over about at least giving Deb this one last gift, before disappearing. Dex goes home, asks Jaime to stick around as he may be going away “for a while”. He starts packing a bag and is in the middle of saying good-bye to Harrison when he gets a phone call from Deb. “We need to talk.”  They meet at her place, the beach house.  Maybe there’s a voice over as they chat or something to speed up the action but we get dialogue, mostly a very pissed off Deb, along the lines of:

“So did you kill Doakes or was that pyro-vampira’s work? And can I assume she’s dead at least?”

“Now you’re telling me Quinn wasn’t a fucking idiot and you really did have some bromance with Trinity that got Rita killed, and you killed Trinity, leaving yet another unsolved case for Miami Metro, fuck you very much?”

“And when ex-fucking-actly did you figure out that Travis was part of Doomsday? And why the fuck didn’t you think that was worth sharing?”

“Just how many of my cases have you fucked up?”

Dex: (looking at phone): It’s Jaime. I’ve got to take it.
Deb: (Nods.)
Dex: Yeah? Okay. I’ll be there right there. (Hangs up.)
Deb: (Looks at him, worried)
Dex: I’ve got to go.  Harrison’s fine.
Deb: Then what….
Dex: I’ll explain later.

(Dexter  drives home. No voice over.  Fumbles for the key as Jaime comes to the door.)

Jaime: She just showed up, I didn’t ….
Dexter: It’s okay, I … (He enters and sees Lumen sitting on the couch)
Lumen: Hello, Dexter Morgan.

(Dexter and Lumen stare longingly at each other)

Jamie:  Uh, I uh have to go study for a class. (She leaves).

(Dexter and Lumen embrace. Dexter starts to laugh hysterically. Camera pans to Deb in her car watching.  She sees Lumen and Dex through the venetian blinds.)

Deb: (hits head against steering wheel) Fucking family reunion.

(Next morning, Harrison walking in on a sleeping naked Lumen and Dex.  Lumen offers to make everyone breakfast.  Dex gets a call from Deb, which he decides to ignore.  Lumen finds the ITK hand on top of the fridge and shows Dexter.)

Lumen: What is it?
Dex: A message for me.
Lumen: What’s it mean?
Dex: I don’t know…yet.

(Phone keeps ringing.  Dex picks up.  Deb again. It’s another murder scene, same MO, Can of Worms killer.)

Dex: I’ve got to go.  I’ll call Jaime. Can you stay until . . .
Lumen: I can stay as long as you need me.

(Dex is beaming.  Kisses her, grabs his kit and puts the hand inside, and goes to the crime scene. Later we see him in the lab looking at the lines Louis has drawn on the hand, which Dexter tells us means that whoever sent it had figured out that Dexter had used Geller’s dead hand to plant his fingerprints in the church.  Dexter doesn’t know about the hand and the auction, so he’s figuring it could be anyone who works at Miami Metro who has access to the evidence room.  He suspects Masuka and they have some awkward dialogue.)

(Yadda-yadda-yadda more crap and it’s Dex and Deb just hanging out having a beer.  Lumen is out buying interview clothes for a job or something.)

Dex: Deb, I’m glad we’re ok with this.
Deb: Now that you’ve promised not to fuck up all my major cases, we can pretend it never happened.
Dex: Like that time when you were twelve and I walked in when you were…
Deb: Yeah, just like that.

(Deb then starts being very whiny about her childhood and all the shit she has to deal with what with her brother’s being a fucking serial killer and all, and how her placing him on a pedestal really screwed up her relationships and blah-blah-blah.)

Dex: Deb, why are you telling me all this?
Deb: (Hits him on the shoulder) Even if a could find a shrink who wasn’t a fucking moron, I can’t exactly tell her my entire childhood was a lie, and Harry was ignoring me so he could take you out for ninja assassin training.
Dex: (Voiceover:) It’s a relief knowing that Deb isn’t going to turn me in, but when did she get so needy?

(Scene fades out with Deb continuing to blah-blah-blah while Dexter listens politely.)

(Yadda-yadda and Dex at Miami Metro busy suspecting each co-worker of having sent the hand, sitting in his office with imaginary Harry, trying to deduce it, doing web searches with his new browser installed by Louis, when suddenly Dexter does a face palm, followed by a voiceover in which he puts together all the clues that Louis is up to something, and says something about how he can’t believe how stupid he’s been over the last few months. Really sloppy. It must have something to do with not having sex.)

Scene: Deb and Lumen having coffee by that place on the water where Lumen and Dex used to meet.
Lumen: So are you here to make sure I’m good for your brother?
Deb: I just don’t want to see him get hurt again.  He’s told me. I know you couldn’t handle the uh you know?
Lumen: (smiling, air quotes) ‘Dark passenger.’
Deb: Fuck yeah.
Lumen:  How’s your dating life?
Deb: Huh?
Lumen: You wouldn’t believe some of the losers I’ve met. I’ve thought about it, Deb. God knows. Dexter was best thing that happened to me.  I realize now that Dex is a  …..
Deb: (sotto voce) complete fucking sociopath?
Lumen:  …. a smart, funny guy with a great job and a killer body — no pun intended.  A super dad. Neat. Organized.
Deb: (stares incredulously.)
Lumen: Everybody has baggage.  I can live with his.
Deb:  Are you planning to … join him…
Lumen: Hell no. That’s his thing.  We don’t have to share everything.  I don’t think that’s healthy. I’m going to accept it.
Deb: It’s not going to bother you that you’re home taking care of Harrison, and he’s out ….
Lumen: Doing his ‘thing.’?  His thing saved my life.  Look, Deb.  I get it.  You and Dex are close.  Really close.  I’m not here to hurt your brother.  I’m here to build a life with him, and if that means accepting all his foibles, yeah, I’m in.
Deb: You’re not going to try to change him?
Lumen: I’m not saying I wouldn’t be thrilled if he gave up his hobby.  But then maybe he wouldn’t be Dexter?
(Deb stares at her a few seconds.  Has to answer her phone. )
Deb: I gotta go. Another homicide. Looks like the Can of Worms. That makes three. My brother’s wet dream.

(More crap leading to cliffhanger ending involving Louis, maybe.)